I’m in kind of a strange limbo these days, caught between the horrendous pain of past events, which have wounded me into the shut-down person I am today, and the events of today, which are not so bad, since my husband has learned better behavior and our relationship is, on the surface, much better as a result.
So on the one hand, I need to deal with the scars and still-festering wounds dealt by the old him, but on the other hand, the present him is avoiding doing anything that would cause me pain. So it’s hard to know, at any given time, whether I’m mad at him or not, and whether I even should be.
This results in days of depression and anger, where I feel like I can barely breathe, followed closely by fun trips out with friends where, from all appearances, we are a strongly bonded couple.
Mostly because we don’t snipe at each other. And frankly, we both have a sense of humor, so we can always find something to laugh about. So we look happy.
But some of our friends walk around with this palpable tension between them, and even when they are “having fun,” they’re still getting in little digs at each other.
I wouldn’t be that rude to my worst enemy, so I’m not sure when that became okay for couples to do. Christian couples. Like, it’s not okay to “speak ill” of your husband, but go ahead and snipe at him and then laugh it off like you just made a joke.
But I digress.
At any rate, it’s confusing. Should I not have fun when we go do fun things, out of solidarity with the grieving side of me? Or should I go ahead and enjoy the good things and be thankful that the days that caused me this pain are over?
And then there’s our counseling sessions. On the one hand, they bring such relief. On the other, I have to drag myself back through the mud that I crawled out of, just so he can react to it now, since he didn’t at the time it was happening.
When the therapist was talking to me about this last week, she started referring to this past pain as a dragon that needs to come out in session. It’s like an invisible dragon that few people can see, because it doesn’t roar much, but I need to let it roar or we can’t ever deal with it.
Being the mature adult that I am, my mind immediately latched onto that image and started making plans to get a tattoo. Seriously. I was actually mentally designing a small dragon tattoo for the inside of my right wrist, so that I would remember that I have to bring it out.
Better judgment has since prevailed, and I have now settled on either a demure dragon ring or a bracelet. I have yet to buy one, though, because in my searching of the Internet, “demure dragon ring” is proving to be an oxymoron.
And again with the digression.
My ups and downs have started falling into a predictable pattern, anyway, so maybe understanding that helps.
On Wednesdays after therapy I’m elated because I finally got to say some of the Words We Do Not Say.
On Thursdays, reality hits at some point during the day and I begin to spiral down into the pain that the relief of the day before masked.
On Fridays I struggle through sludge, popping herbal anti-depressants and trying to repeat the truth to myself rather than listening to the things my emotions are screaming about life, futility and running away.
Then the weekend hits and we do Fun Things, so I have to pull myself out of the sludge and smile.
And then Mondays and Tuesdays I’m too busy with classes and lesson plans to really think much about anything other than school.
Which brings us back to Wednesdays, when the cycle starts again.
So I’m going to contradict my earlier post about boycotting Tuesdays and suggest instead that we all skip Fridays, because they are just not working out for me.