I last wrote from the kitchen floor. I have since gotten up from it.
I spent a lot of wee-hour time in prayer that night. I’d like to think that I’m actually that much of a super-Christian, but in reality the dogs needed to go out at 3 a.m. and I couldn’t get back to sleep with all that running around in my head and I had no one else to talk to, so I kind of had to take it all to the Lord.
I got the distinct feeling when I did that He had me right where He wanted me.
At any rate, I turned it all over to Him. I needed to go back to sleep because I knew I was going to have to lose a few hours to calling insurance companies and pharmacies and manufacturers and doctors the next day, and I needed my wits about me. Or so I thought.
I actually got back to sleep pretty quickly, so the next morning I was ready to do battle. One by one, however, my battles dissolved and melted away. By 10 a.m., I had an appointment set with a counselor for my son, an applicator for his insulin pump catheters being overnighted to me and reassurance from the manufacturer that the insurance company had finally sent the authorization number to the pharmacy so that his quarterly pump supplies could be shipped within a couple of days.
The whole “Dad means well but he just doesn’t get it” thing doesn’t have as tidy and quick a fix, but I knew that was something I was going to have to walk through eventually with my youngest, so I wasn’t expecting to solve that in a day anyway.
Something happened to me in all of that, though. Because despite the fact that I did my end of it “all wrong,” despite the fact that I turned first to food and drink for comfort, despite the fact that it wasn’t even my idea to have a prayer session at 3 a.m., the Lord met me where I was and took care of the problems.
I mean, seriously, I’ve been dealing with the medical industry and all its peripherals for years, and problems with authorizations and shipments and referrals don’t just get resolved in a matter of an hour or two. It never takes just one phone call. And the first person you talk to is generally not the person with the knowledge or ability to solve the problem. So the fact that this happened can only be attributed to divine intervention.
So something happened deep in my heart. Some little corner that shut down a while ago started to reawaken. I started to remember that I can actually trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.
So even though the rest of my problems haven’t melted away, my faith in His ability to carry me through this just got a giant shot in the arm. It’s standing a little taller. It’s flexing its muscles again.
The next night I had another wee hour prayer session, but this time I was eagerly pursuing it.
It doesn’t make sense to me that my need to step back emotionally from my husband has translated into having a hard time being intimate with the Lord, but it seems that is what has happened. I think this is common – I know people who struggle with their relationship with their fathers, and they report that it affects the way they view the Lord.
I think we humans need tangibility so much that we tend to assign personas to God, the unseen and untouchable, based on what we can see and touch.
Maybe this is why, when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, He started out saying, “Our Father in Heaven, holy is your name…”
Because He is our Father – the Good Father, not the frail and human examples we have here on earth.
And He is in Heaven – not trapped in a mortal existence and stymied by a creation that groans in wait for His return. So He has perspective that we don’t have. He sees a far bigger picture.
And He is holy, which means He is set apart. He is not like the rest. He is not like any human, male or female, who I have ever trusted and who has let me down. He is not capricious. He is not selfish. He has no emotional disorders.
He is not like the rest. Not like ANYONE else I know.
He is the real deal – the one I can absolutely trust, any hour of the day or night, and He will never leave me or forsake me.
Not even when I’m having a hard time connecting with Him. Even then. Even when I’m doing it wrong. He’s still there, He’s still willing and He’s still able.
And He can turn all things to the good. He can use anything.
The annoying things – He can use those for His glory.
The things that make me cry – He can turn those around.
The worst thing that happens to me – He can use that as part of His plan. He can turn that into the cornerstone of a new thing He wants to establish.
So I think I’ll keep pursuing this trusting in the Lord with all my heart. Because it totally beats the kitchen floor.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones.” [Pro 3:5-8 NASB]