I’m completely shut down. I’m not feeling anything right now.
That’s what I told my counselor yesterday. She smiled.
And then she pointed out I had spent the past 30 minutes complaining about how the only answers I’ve received to my Letter to the Pastors, while unfailingly loving, are either somewhat defensive or somewhat vague. I had been describing how upset I was that some of the issues I brought up have yet to be addressed and that I didn’t get answers to many of my questions.
She pointed out that those were feelings I was describing. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was upset. I was overwhelmed.
She gently told me that perhaps I need to not be focusing my energy in the particular direction of Getting All The Pastors To See What The Real Issue Is. That perhaps I could just let myself feel some of the other things I’m trying to avoid feeling.
Apparently, I have been in Fight-or-Flight mode for so long, I’m kind of stuck there. And since Flight had been ruled out years ago due to not wanting to leave my kids, that means I’ve been stuck in Fight.
I’ve been sticking with the anger/frustration/overwhelm/fighting emotions, because I feel strong in those areas. It may be time to sidestep those and go to the hurt/sad/lonely/afraid genre of feelings. Those aren’t as empowering as the others, but that’s genuinely where I am at the moment, so I might as well go ahead and feel them.
Because as tempting as it is to see myself as the Savior of the Christian Narcissist Victims, the point is really that I need to simply go through what I’m going through and stop picking fights in the name of the Good of All Mankind.
Well… the Good Of All Narc Victims, anyway.
Well… the Good Of Narc Victims in My Church at any rate.
So apparently it’s time to pack away my Superhero Cape.
Instead I need to let myself feel honestly and see clearly what the Lord is wanting me to do next. Even if that’s just to keep cleaning my house and buying groceries and feeding kids and doing social media marketing and writing essays for school while waiting for my heart to recover.
And the timing of this is very odd, because I’m leaving on a mission trip to the Philippines tomorrow. Somehow, though, since the Lord knows all our ways, I get the feeling He knew this was coming and arranged the timing of things just perfectly.
Because I bought my plane ticket after the others on the team did, which means my seat is nowhere near any of theirs. So that gives me 15 hours on the flight out and 15 on the flight back to sit by myself in an airplane and feel.
Well, and pray.
Actually, at least on the way out there, I’ll need to also write a 20-minute devotional talk to share with a group of pastors’ wives.
Which means I really am going to need to get my head out of my problems and lean in to what the Lord wants me to say, because I’m 98% sure He didn’t line up this opportunity so that I could read them that last letter I wrote.
If you would like to support me in prayer for the next week, I would dearly appreciate it – I’ll be there the 19th to the 26th of January. Please comment below and let me know!