Opening a Window

I yelled at my small group leader yesterday.  I hung up on her today.

And after I called her back to apologize she said, ‘Finally.  These are the kind of conversations we need to be having.” And she also told me that she is not going anywhere, no matter what I do or say.

And just like that, I started to feel a chink opening up in the armor I’ve been wearing for months.  I started to believe that maybe she is on my side after all.

Not that she’s taking sides.  But that regardless of what the relationship is between my husband and herself and her husband, regardless of whether she is on his side (and I’m pretty sure she is), the point is that she is on my side.

It’s not a contradiction.  It’s the love of Christ.

I had been trying to hide from her the fact that I have completely given up on my marriage, thinking that if she knew that, she would bow out and write me off as a disobedient, fallen Christian.

I realize now that she never actually said or did anything that would lead me to believe that.  I just expected it.

But then yesterday she pressed me for a definitive answer.  The pastor needs to know.  The elders need to know.  They can’t figure out how to help me if they don’t know which direction I’m headed in.

And so I had to confess what I hadn’t even wanted to admit to myself – I’m done.  I’m really done.  My heart is completely shut down.

It’s not that I don’t want to work on my relationship with my husband.  It’s that I got so hurt, I now don’t want a relationship with ANYBODY.

I’ll just be fine over here in the corner, all by myself, snarling and licking my wounds, thank you very much.

But then my SGL came over, sat down next to me and wouldn’t get out of my face, insisting that she was here for me and that she cared about me and that she wasn’t going anywhere.

It took a few explosive conversations for me to wrestle with that idea and rattle enough fences to realize that she is telling the truth.

Now you have to understand that I don’t generally have explosive conversations. I was raised to be unfailingly agreeable and pleasant. So as bad as it sounds that I yelled at my friend, this is actually a huge step of growth.  And because she is firm in showing me the love of Christ, she took it on the chin and didn’t back down.

She could have told me until she was blue in the face that she loves me and won’t walk away from me and I wouldn’t have believed her. In fact, she has been saying that for months, and I didn’t believe her. It wasn’t what she SAID.  It was how she acted. It was the love she showed – love beyond just the love of a friend.  It was not backing down even when I snarled like a wounded animal. It was the unconditional love of Christ.

With that in mind, when I went to my appointment with my biblical counselor today, instead of gearing up for a fight, I decided to see if she’s on my side too.  What do you know? She is.

God did a work in my heart today.  This morning I dressed all in black to show the world that I was in the depths of despair because I have had to make such an awful decision and I feel so very, very awful as a result.

(This is classic Muffy Excitement Plan behavior, and it made sense at the time).

(Also, it didn’t help at all. I still felt awful)

This evening I’m feeling like a window just opened in my heart and let light into it for the first time in months.

And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. [Rom 5:5 KJV]

 

 

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