Tonight I had to introduce myself at a Bible study and I froze and couldn’t remember my name.
In my defense I got a concussion in December that I am not allowed to talk about due to litigation. Because it was at a department store and a sign fell on my head.
And also a week and a half ago the flu plus dental work turned into an ear infection and my right eardrum ruptured and now I’m deaf in that ear. I have an appointment with an otolaryngologist in a week but in the meantime I feel like I’m living in an alternate (and very quiet) reality.
And also today I went to the second appointment with a psychologist with my husband after which he made it completely clear that he has no intention of taking responsibility or apologizing for any of his behaviors that the rest of the family has experienced as abusive, and that any future counseling sessions would solely be for the purpose of him telling me everything I’ve ever done to hurt him.
Which kind of puts a final nail in the coffin of this marriage and it wasn’t until he said that today that I realized how much I had been holding to a slender thread of hope that he would, I don’t know, behave like a normal adult and come to terms with his issues.
But no. That’s not going to happen. And there’s no negotiating with a narcissist. So I have no option but to file for divorce.
And that reality knocked me off my feet today.
Enough that I forgot my name, apparently.
But this morning Mel Robbins posted on Instagram that when something knocks you off your feet, as happened to her yesterday when her show got canceled, you don’t curl up and throw the covers over your head. You GET UP and keep going. You take your life back and work on the future.
So I’m taking my vitamins and doing the exercises my physical therapist gave me to strengthen my core and I’m finishing my second to the last class for my degree and I’m helping my boss sell a $3 million dollar home for a young celebrity who is selling because he’s relocating his family to New York due to his role in a new crime drama that is set there which I can’t name but it has three capital letters in its name.
And I’m dealing with my mother, who has dementia, being upset that the new floor tile for her remodeled bathroom (which project has been upsetting the household since before Thanksgiving), is a tad too dark. And she wants it replaced. And we are literally one day away from finally being done with these contractors.
But I am GETTING UP. I am not curling up in a ball under my covers and crying myself to sleep because it has finally hit me that there is absolutely no way I can save this marriage and I never should have married the man in the first place.
I’m totally doing that.